It’s Never Goodbye

It’s been over a week since we last talked and even if it was over xbox live, I’m glad we had a few words to say to each other. Today, I realized how hard it was for me to accept that you were gone. Everyone did their interviews flawlessly, and I couldn’t even answer one question without having to tear up. I didn’t say much, not because I didn’t know what to say, but because there was so much I wanted to talk about but hurt remembering all the good times that we spent together, and that lump in my throat didn’t allow me to say too much.

I was at your house the other day and played with Jazzy for a little bit. The first thing she did when she walked into the house was go straight into your room, as if she was wondering where you were at. She seemed a little different, like she was more calm and quiet than usual. I don’t know if it’s because she’s not so young anymore and that she’s over being so hyper, or if she knows that the person who cared for her the most isn’t going to come back for her.

There was so much that we wanted to do, so many plans we had for the coming future, so many things I wanted to talk to you about. We were supposed to go camping with all the Stockton cousins this summer because you couldn’t go last year. We were supposed to get our bikes and just ride them around town or whatever and just hangout and ride with everyone with their bikes. Everything I do reminds me of all the things that we used to do together. I can’t go on xbox live knowing that you won’t meet up later and play with everyone. We used to play every night and now I find myself playing by myself when I feel like even going online.

I’ve always wanted to play the uke since I was younger, but it wasn’t until you got one and showed me how to play something was when I decided to get one for myself. It was a few months after you got yours was when I got mine and you were already so good at it. I was so jealous of how good you had gotten and how fast you progressed and amazed at how many songs you learned in only a few months of learning. When I first started, I looked for you in inspiration. I wanted to get better and learn more songs. But I regret for being able to learn so fast. Sometimes I feel like I discouraged you from playing and I didn’t want that to happen. You loved playing the uke and loved to show everyone your playing and loved when people would want you to play a song. When I see my uke, I’m never going to forget who had me interested in what I love doing and who had inspired me in falling in love with something I thought I had let go when they cut band for my last year in high school. You had given me dreams of playing for crowds of people and had given a skill I would love to excel in. I have you to thank for making me fall in love with music all over again.

The family will be gathering from all over the country to see you one last time. It’s going to be hard knowing that you won’t ever be here with us and that we will always be one person short. I’m going to miss your stupid laugh and your goofy ass smile that you had. When I felt really down or when I was mad or pissed off about something, your presence always put me in a good mood. You always were the cheerful one and made every person around you feel so good just because you were always smiling and making everyone laugh. I’m going to miss being able to just hangout with someone in the middle of the night and literally do nothing. I’m going to miss the silly antics you would do just to make people laugh at you. I’m going to miss you, cousin. You weren’t just family to me. You were my best friend. You were one of the closet people to me, and losing you had hurt me more than anything had in my life. It’s going to be hard to let you go, even though I know that you don’t have to suffer anymore and that you will be in a better place.

For the next couple of days, I will be mourning your death, but until the day after the burial and everyday after, we will all be celebrating your life literally since it’s your 20th birthday on sunday. I will see you one last time here in this place, but I’m not going to say goodbye. I know that when it’s my time to leave that I’m going to see you and we’re going to catch up on everything and hang out again. Say hello to Aunty Feli and Uncle ‘Melo for me and and everyone else we had lost and remember it’s never goodbye, it’s until we meet again, and that’s exactly what we’ll do. I love you cousin.